CLUELESS

CLUELESS...

Sometimes, the word which will help us express ourselves clearly, goes out of reach. This happens either if its existence wasn’t given due attention for a long time, or over usage of the same, that it refuses to embrace us with its presence in our times of need. The gnawing at the back of our minds doesn’t stop unless we find the answer. It is a frustrating experience.

            And the frustration increases in multifold, if it is memories that are lost. At present, this is my predicament. 

            I am Anamika, or that is the name by which the doctors and nurses have addressed me. The only memories, I do have are of the seven days that I have been awake. Someone or something seems to have taken time to clear out my history of days, months and years earlier to that.

            I woke up screaming at the top of my voice as I felt the exploding pain in my head. Every sense of my body seemed to be on high alert, making the pain more effective. My vision blurred in and out, as I thrashed at the restraints holding me. I could hear a throaty voice giving orders and now there were several hands holding me in place. I felt a prick on my arm and minutes later, the pain eased away and I drifted into a dark cloud.

            After hours, I woke up to a man’s face peering at me. As I sat up startled, a pain shot up my arm and head and I winced. Immediately I felt strong hands helping me to lie back on the bed. As I lay, I tried to observe him. Sharp eyes, narrow jawline and stubble were all I could observe before his voice distracted me. I recognized his voice when he spoke. It was the same voice which I heard when I woke up last time, the one which gave orders.

            “Hi, I am Dr. Sunil, a neurosurgeon. How are you feeling?” said he.

            “Groggy” was all I could say. He smiled a little and said

“That is because of the sedative and the medicines. It is as expected. You need not worry about it. Any discomfort?”   

I pointed to the restraints holding me in place and said “Why am I being held?”

“That is just a safety precaution, so that you don’t end hurting yourself. I will ask the nurse to take it off. Anything else?”  

As I shook my head as a reply, I had a dizzy spell for a moment and I heard him say “You have undergone a brain surgery, so try not to move your head suddenly.” 

“I had a brain surgery done on me?”  I stared at him in confusion “What exactly happened to me?”

“Well there are some things we would like to know too. Are you tired or feeling alright so that we can continue this talk?”  Confusion and curiosity overcame my tiredness and I gave my assent for the conversation to go on. 

“You were brought in an unconscious state, by a cab driver and you had suffered a severe head trauma which required immediate attention. But he couldn’t shed light on how you came by this injury. The police officials were intimated as per the formalities and they have been trying to identify your family so as to notify them. But they have got no leads and the puzzling thing is, none of the missing complaints matches your profile. The inspector, who is investigating your case, has been here daily to check on your status. He might be coming today also.” He looked at his watch and continued,

“I have explained him already that you are in no state for questioning. But he had requested me to have a conversation with you and find out, as he felt it might not be as stressful as it will be for you when he does the inquiry and I concur with him. So would you like to tell me about you?”

            That’s when the wheels in my mind started turning but it didn’t do any good for it hit an obstacle. I couldn’t remember anything. My face should have been all scrunched I guess, for I heard the doctor say  

“Easy now, you don’t have to strain too much. Let’s start with something easy. Since you know my name, it is only fair that I should know yours too. So will you tell me your name?”

And so I urged my mind to remember till my head started hurting, but the result was the same. I didn’t even know my name and as the truth sunk in; I started to hyperventilate and had to be sedated.

So, it has been seven days since I am trying to recollect my memories, but failing admirably. Everyday Dr. Sunil and his colleagues take on different approaches in helping me. Even the inspector tried to help but nothing seems to be working. The doctors and nurses started addressing me as Anamika and when I asked Dr. Sunil about the name choice, he said that in US they used to address unidentified patient as Jane Doe and since it is not used in India, the staff came up with this name. 

With every idle minute that passes, I feel lonely. Solitude can be a solace when one has the memory of moments spent as their companion. But when no memories are there, one can only despair in the solitude.

A year and two months later…

        It has been a little more than a year since I woke up in the Critical Care Unit of the City Hospital. Days passed, then morphed into months which has now transformed into a year. I am still clueless about my past like I was then. Somewhere along the lane, I stopped trying to remember. I didn’t want to waste my life trying to remember the past lest my future too would slip away. 

            Fate plays tricks on us many a times .It tricked me too. What seemed like a cruel one then, might have been its way to help me out .I might be clueless as to who I was in the past. But now, I certainly do know who I am. I am Anamika, a survivor.

Is God, biggest tyrant/Sick n tired of atheist moron

Disclaimer: I am not a prolific writer and neither am I a profound thinker; To write on a topic that requires reasoning ability and all that jazz, is tough job for me. So the below write-up might be confusing and nonsensical. So I happily welcome all the hate mail and rotten tomatoes and what not to my inbox. Definitely no intention to offend anyone. This is just a post by a confused soul. So apologies in advance if it hurts anyone inadvertently.

Is god the world's biggest tyrant? No, I don't think so. Am I sick n tired of atheist morons? Nope, definitely not. But, hell yeah, am pretty much tired of this conflict that is going on for ages.

It s all about beliefs isn't it?  Not all people are same. Human beings are unique in their own way and differ from each other. When people are different, it's only natural that their beliefs too will be different. And there is nothing wrong about it. So why do we have to argue about it. Won't it be fair to all, if we agree to disagree? We can't do that, can we? Cause it's not in basic human nature. We always want to be the one who's right and we love to prove others wrong. Its not in the human nature to not investigate about a mystery. We have this insatiable urge to define unexplainable things; otherwise we would all die of curiosity *yeah ,right*

(My take)

So human beings would have wondered about their origin and they came to believe in a divine power and coined the term god. Probably they were grateful and wanted to offer thanks. But how can u say it to someone who is unseen. So they used their imagination * oh boy, aren't we good at that* and result gods in various forms. And they probably started worshiping asking for continued blessings.

Days passed and peoples' progenies would have come onto this earth and when the elder generation tried to instill the beliefs in them, some of the younglings would have raised the questions "Why? How" and what not. *observed from each generation, the next one never accepts what the elders say without asking questions*. The elders would have a hard time to convince the young ones and so to aid them, they would have created the myths and legends *well, it's very easy, you know?? All you need is an vivid imagination Yeah, yeah I can hear you telling that they are not myths but real facts. Well, you may be right .I don't have a time turner with me, to exactly know what happened*. They would have probably succeeded to an extent, but there might be some younglings who were skeptical about it.

What would have happened if a calamity had befallen the human beings? What would have been their reaction?? There is a possibility for two reactions as far as my brain *a below average one* could think. They would have lost faith in their beliefs or the most common nature of human being would have kicked in. They would have assumed that the Gods were angry and the head person might have come up with some ritual which would be a solution to the problem in the first place or a sick ritual just for their pleasure.*Assumption is the root cause for all troubles, I say*.

Well, what if the people lost faith? They would have started preaching to others and the doubts lingering in the younglings skeptical of the beliefs would have started to haunt them and so the search for the so called TRUTH, very well aided by their brain. For they knew, they can't just bluff. If they wanted others to believe them, they needed some proof. And so they set on their journey and worked towards it

In the meantime, different clans would have come across each other and found their beliefs to be different. So the concept of religion would have blossomed. They might have compared the result of the other clans' rituals, gods with their own. Initially they would have adopted some changes into their religions, but later fought on the supremacy of their religions.*of course ego would have kicked in, if the other clan's gods were more beautiful, there by inferring that their imagination is far better.*

Amidst these things, some human beings might have been born with gifts. And their actions would have been so sincere and passionate, that people felt that it was a divine experience to be with them and followed them and considered them to be blessed. It isn't those gifted people's fault *Well, I am not talking about the ones faking it!!* They would have just wanted to help. Well, at least I think it was that way. Or they would have loved all the attention that they were getting. God Who knows *Oops Strike that :-P*

So what happened to the people or people who lost belief and set out to find proof?  Well, on the way to find the proof of the truth, they did discover many wonderful things that provided some credibility to their arguments. But they wanted the people with beliefs to come out of the ignorance and blamed religion and God for all the problems in this world. *Well, I am confused*. They don't believe in God, right?  Then how can they blame something or someone they don't believe in. They should be blaming human being. They are the root cause for all the chaos and they choose ignorance. Let them be. Why do the non-believers try so hardly to make the believers see sense ?  Out of care ?? *yeah, right* Nope ,they wanted to prove them wrong.*Well , yeah, there are people who really do care(both theists and atheists). And I respect them*

Like the conflict between different religions, there arose a conflict between the believers and the non-believers. Reason, you ask? The believers wanted the non-believers to accept their version of truth and vice versa.*Duh the name sounds dumb* There can't be someone who is a non-believer. Cause that person strongly believes that there is no such thing as God. So he/she does believe in something. So how can u call that person as a non-believer??

  They argued, fought for a stand ,forcing their opinions on each other, trying their level best to convince each other. And they still do. It is kind of irritating sometimes. I can hear it. People have right to express opinions. I agree. They are entitled to give voice to their opinions , but not stuff it on others. It would be just wonderful, if people agree to that.

So I hear you asking, what am i? Do I believe in God or Not? Well, I do believe in something which is along the line My life's destination is set by the kind of thoughts running in my mind.

.

P.S: I know ,people might find  there  is no reasonable logic Please feel free to drop a mail if u wanna tell that  I should stop writing such a dump.

The Wait

The Wait

Ticking clock,withered leaves

adorning the streets,grey clouds

bedecking the sky,

emblems of the cruising time,

A lone soul,sat on the bench,

under the trees shade,

her beautiful eyes brimmed

with titillation,ransacked

the path leading to the alcove,

her rosy cheeks,tainted

apple red,as she blushed,

her hands kneading itself,

in eagerness,

Ticking clock,snow alluvion,

icy cold breeze,longer nights,

jingling of the church bells,

emblems of the dragging time,

A lone soul,sat on the bench,

under the trees shade,

her beautiful eyes downcast,

like the early morning dew,

tears bedizened her face,

her cheeks,devoid of rosiness,

tainted ivory white,her cold

hands,vainly endeavoured

to escape from the numbness,

Ticking clock,blossoming flowers,

green leaves adorning the trees,

clear sky and blazing sun,chirping birds,

emblems of the sauntering time,

A lone soul,sat on the bench,

under the trees shade,

her beautiful eyes,resigned

with acceptance,her skin's

pallor re-attained,her hands

gripped the railing,as she

heard a rustle of footsteps,

her eyes searched for its

source,her face lit up

with a smile,as she found him,

her breath left her,as she

sprinted to join her love,

Ticking clock,scorching sun,

term ends,longest days,

emblems of gliding time,

the waiting had concluded

The Untold

The Untold

My heart fell to its knees,
in front of the compatriot,
the mind's irrefutable
discernment

For the first time, since
eternity, my cognizance
won the battle of words,
douching passion’s flame
with its reasons

Some things are better,
when left unsaid,none
afflicted,except the one,
who knows it

Said or Unsaid, doesn’t matter,
remorse is all that is left,
Contrite, pondering over,
whether or not ,
what done was right

Happy Ever After

Happy Ever After

 Happy Ever After, a fantasy,
Hoped to be made a reality,
 in this universe by many ,
but it would be very daffy

 Life, a ride in roller coaster,
A moment, it will show heaven,
And at the snap of a finger,
it will take us to hell's cavern

 Just like the flavor of tanginess,
enabling to enjoy the sweetness,
 To truly relish happiness,
We stand in need for sadness

 There can be happy sad,
 sad happy,but sad sad
 doesn't work,neither does,
happy happy,

 Happy ever after,never in reality,
presumably being the mortals' fancy,
wishing their characters in story,
to live ever after happily.

Dark Shadows

Dark Shadows

 Urging her feet,she scuttled across,
 her heart filled with trepidation,
 abnegated her,from looking back,
 in fear of being captured

She scampered through the tunnel,
hoping to reach the ray of light,
that shone at its end,before
she succumbed to the wily beings

She could sense them,lurking
along the sides,biding their time
for the perfect juncture, to
snatch her,

Trying to escape from their clutches,
her only hope, to reach the faint light,
which got brighter as she raced,
through time ,And she did reach

Her heart let out a whoop of joy,
just as she entered the safe haven,
but to her horror,she felt her
being pulled by the predators

She reached out her heart in vain,
towards the light,the pull's duress,
overwhelming her,her eyes closed,
as the Dark Shadows devoured her.

Hide and Seek

Hide And Seek

In the rustle of the fallen leaves,
I sense your footsteps,
Along with the nocturnals' buzz,
I hear your whispers,
The shadows on the street walls,
I hope its yours,

Around me i sense all the staring eyes,
I feel one of them is yours,
As i am surrounded by cool breeze,
I feel my nails against your fingertips,
wrapping my fingers around yours,
I realize your absence,
Its just an illusion

Desperate to seek you out,
I reach out to you,but
I can sense you slipping through,
So close,yet so far,
Oh dear,yes,i love your playfulness,
But not this game dear,it spikes,
my heart's distress

Please come back,my love,
my heart is craving, to hold your hands,
to hear your voice,to be checked out
by your love filled eyes,
Say it sweetheart,
Say it once more,
That I am yours,only yours.